bongo282's diary

bongo282's Diaryland Diary

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Ramblings and more ramblings

Well, yes it has been a while since I could write in here clear headed. I don't think that there will ever be a point when I am actually clear. I got over my little "crush" and it becomes more apparent to me everyday that I need to get a day job. I love the night shift but I can't sleep so when I get home I take a couple of shots to fall asleep and even then I only get about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day (night) whatever. My "crush" like everyone else in my life except my husband has abandoned me. Said he was my friend and now could give 2 shits about me. This is the story of my life. I get a friend and they stab me in the face, it sucks. But I am not sure anymore and I just don't give a flying fuck anymore. I have been talking to someone for about 4 months now and I really thought it was working but I can't even tell her the truth about my drinking and other ways of self-medicating, because I know she will say you know thats not good for you blah blah blah. But I guess my problem now is that I am just so tired all the time again and it really sucks I have lost 45 pounds and that just from not eating or eating very little. I wanted the weight to come off I just didn't think it would come off this fast. The thing that sucks is I am still so fucked up in the head I may never recover and be like this for the rest of my godforsaken life.
My husband is a selfish bastard and I feel like sometimes he tries and other times he is so full of himself that I gag. But that's just the half of it. My Uncle Paul was snowmobiling in Maine last weekend and rode on a part that was not all ice and snow and hit the water. We have not been able to find him since then. It's really sad because he has a wife and a 12 yr old daughter. Then I have been thinking to myself why did God take him. It was not his time, he was too young. Then I remember that it doesn't frickin matter. Why take little babies why take old people? It's just a fact of life and I guess there is not a whole hell of alot that you can do about it. It feels so good to write stuff down again. I have missed my outlet so much I just don't have time anymore but I think I will start to make time because you never know what will happen in life so enjoy each moment because it could be your last. I am now taking the I don't really give a shit attitude. It works for most people so maybe it will work for me. I hate being like that but I don't have a choice. It's come to this.

Away From The Sun- 3 Doors Down

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone do what I've done
I missed life
I missed the colours of the world
Can anyone go where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I've known

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't do what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me

I just hope I can pick myself up and soon!!

Pam

5:03 a.m. - 2007-03-07

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