5:46 p.m. - 2003-06-16
A bitch session I would like to forget
Have you ever had one of those lives. I know here I am feeling bad for myself because I feel alone. My husband yes I know he loves me but I have been cleaning the house all weekend and he did nothing to help. He just sat there. On Sunday I was doing laundry and I asked him to watch the dryer for his clothes and told him to take the clothes right out so they would not wrinkle so I can finish cleaning the bathroom. But nooooooo, he couldn't even fucking do that. I am really starting to get pissed. I have a sucky job and a sucky husband. Don't get me wrong he is good in bed but thats not everything. To quote John Mayer

"I rent a room and I fill the spaces with wood in places to make it feel like home, but all I feel's alone. It might be a quarter life crisis, or just the stirring in my soul."

I am starting to miss my family in Mass. a lot lately. I thought I would feel better once I was settled in, but I just feel very overwhelmed. It's a big house and I do not get any help. He used to help out all the time, now I have to beg. God it's like living with my ex. I hope this doesn't end up like my ex. I am not afraid to leave, I am afraid of being alone. What is it with the human speices and being afraid of being alone. I think maybe that is what I need.

Then it's this job too. I can not sit here day after fucking day and do the same thing. I am slowly loosing my mind or I am just PMSing who the fuck knows. Oh wait that would be me, I am supposed to know.

Well there is another position open here in the building, and I really want to go for it, the only problem is it is shift work and I have done that before and I hated it. I feel though if I don't go for this job then I will rot where I sit now. I have been here for almost 5 years ( it will be in Aug.) and I have been doing the same thing day after day with no change no extra jobs no incentive to be here, but here I am day after fucking day doing what I do best. NOTHING!!! I know I should not bitch but I need to broden my horizons. It takes me all of 2 hours to do my job and then it's like I can hear the clock ticking for the rest of the time I am here. My husband just called to see when I would be home. I hung up with him and lost it. I look forward so much for Fridays, because I play bingo and I am away from here and my house. So I don't have to look at how fucking filthy it really is. I am only one person and I have to clean 3 guest bedrooms, 1 is a computer room/kitty shitter room, 1 guest bedroom, 1 room over the garage, 2 1/2 baths, my bedroom, the dining room, the family room, the living room, the breakfast room and the kitchen. When we bought this house we had it in mind that we were going to have a kid or 2, now that my husband has changed his mind, I get stuck cleaning it all. With the cats running around, by the time I clean the house, a room a day, I turn around and it's fucking dirty again???? How does this happen when you have 2 adults and 3 cats. I don't get it. Well I am going to go home. I feel better for venting, just a little bit. Talk to you soon.

Smoking-it-all-tonight

Me*

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