5:47 p.m. - 2004-02-25
Fuck this life !!
I have missed writing in here. It has been way too long and I am just a fucking mess right now. A lot of things have happened and I just don�t know where to begin. I guess I will start with when I started to feel worthless because I couldn�t get a job. I had applied for this job that I wanted and the interview went really well and I thought for sure that the job was mine. As usual I got my hopes up and my Mom kept telling me, �don�t get your hopes up, there may be someone who is better than you�. Ya, that made me feel real good about myself. I know her reason is so she can some how get me to move back up there, and as usual my husband is so stuck on himself that he doesn�t see the pain I am in. Well, I was told that he was going to make a decision on a Friday and I would hear from him then, but I was in Ma. and so I waited all day for his e-mail that never came. I just figured he was busy and he needed some time. We had Monday off for Presidents day and so when I came back to work on Tuesday I had seen a girl that also applied for the job and she told me that she got the job. Now I do feel bad for her because she was going to lose her job soon and she needed one, but why did she have to take my job. So anyway, I found out through some people that the guy who I interviewed with was going to hire me but because she didn�t have a job they gave it to her. Mind you I had better qualifications then she did and she got it out of pity. It just saddens me to no end to know that I finally had a shot at this job and it was just snatched out from under me. He even sent me an e-mail telling me that I had the qualifications that he was looking for, however he had to hire someone internally. How shitty was that for me? Then I see this girl in the hallway the other day and she says she is confused about what she is doing and that it�s ok because she has resumes out there. I was so pissed I wanted to say to her, how does it feel to get everything handed to you on a silver platter and you don�t even fucking realize it. That and if you don�t like the job then leave it. But, being the nice person I am I told her that she would do great and everything would come together for her. In reality I wanted to punch her in the fucking face. Then later that week one of the guys I work with made me feel like nothing. So let�s just say I feel like nothing. I don�t feel anything anymore and I don�t care anymore about anything either. My husband could give 2 shits, my Mom just wants me to move back with her so she can control me, and the people I work with don�t care if I live or die. And so that�s what I feel like doing right now. I am so messed up inside that the only thing I can do is cry and when I do that I make myself feel worse. So I keep telling myself that another job will come up and that one will be mine, but then a little voice inside my head is saying, No way will some one want to hire you � I am unhireable. Well, I am going now so I can go to the store and get what my husband needs at the store.

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