3:39 a.m. - 2004-10-03
Dark Motives
I don't know where to begin!!!

My life has taken a turn for the worse. I know there are people out there with worse problems, but I still feel like I am nothing. I have been unemployed now for almost 6 months, and I have not found a job yet. I never realized how I miss being around people and I am hating being home. I know a lot of people would kill to be in my shoes, including my husband, as he tells me all the time. But I am going crazy. I have all these projects I would love to do but my husband drags his feet to help me, so I have taken things upon myself to do and it's pissing him off. We have been arguing all the time now because he is always right, and when I prove him wrong he gets upset. So I have started to just o.k. him, so he will shut up sometimes. He has stopped telling me that the house looks nice and dinner was good. He tells me about his day and I get jealous because he has a job where he is needed. Everything is about him and he is always telling me that everything in our lives is for me. BULLSHIT!!!!!
I am starting to realize what a mistake I made. Falling in love with him. Moving to bumfuck Virginia. Marring him. Buying a house (that he could care less about) with him. I am not trying to be ungrateful, I know he pays the mortgage, but if it wasn't for my settlement we wouldn't have this house to begin with.
My best girl friend is married to an asshole and sends her away just to get rid of her for a few days. She had an affair that went bad with the guy and all she does is cry that she misses him. I miss my family so much right now. Even though I know my Mom tries to control me all the time I still miss her. My brother is 18 now and we have become good friends, and I love that, but I have to love it from a far.
My husband has made it clear that he will never move up to Ma. again. So what the hell's a girl to do?? I talk to my Mom everyday and it's still not the same thing. At least I still have my 3 cats. I guess it's something. At least they don't talk back to you or argue with you. So this has what's been going on in my fucked up life. My life is roses compared to other peoples lives, but you know what? They don't have to live my life and I don't have to live theirs. I think big changes are coming in my life and if they don't then there is no reason for this charade any longer!!

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