10:52 a.m. - 2003-09-29
A dream ( I hope)
I so did not want to get up out of bed this morning. It was chilly this morning and all I wanted to do was curl up and stay there. It's starting to get a little warmer now but it's getting to be jacket weather. Fall is coming, which happens to be my favorite season.

I have to get this out of my mind; it's been driving me crazy for 2 days now. I had a dream on Friday night about an ex-boyfriend of mine. I have not thought about him in a very long time. I went to school with him and we dated for a while in 9th grade and then again in the 11th or 12th grade. The dream was weird because I was living at my Mom's but her house was my house and my husband was my next-door neighbor. I was sick with a cold or flu or something. I had fallen asleep and woke up to someone hitting rocks at my window. I looked out the window and there was ex-old boyfriend standing there saying he wanted me back and he was sorry.

Now, like I said I have not thought about him since I was a senior in high school when it was then when we finally slept together. He was almost my first. I was drunk one night in 9th grade and he and I were on some shipping dock and it almost happened, but because he could not keep it up he was having all around problems. He and I were just friends after that. Then he called me one night drunk as usual and he wanted to spend the night. Now he was my first for a lot of things. He was my first "boyfriend", my first love, my first blowjob, my first fingering and my first broken heart. Back then I was so confused and I was single at the time, I told him he could come over and stay on my couch until he was sober enough to go home. At the time I lived with my grandmother and had my own apartment on the 3rd floor. She was living on the 2nd floor but at this time she was vacationing in DC. So he shows up at my door and I helped him up the stairs and sat him on the couch. I should have known better at the time and not fall for his boyish charm, and yes he was charming and cute too. I had always hoped he would call me someday again and when it finally happened it was so not what I was expecting. Never the less, he was there at my house wanting to be with me, granted he was drunk. At this time in my life I didn't care he was there and a warm body. So for the first time he and I made love. It was wonderful and I knew it would only be a one-night thing because he would wake up the next day wondering why he was with me. Also at this time in my life I had just broke up with someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with but he and I just drifted and the pain of him stopped for a little while.

We woke up the next day and he said he remembered it all and he said he would call me later. Of course I did not believe him for a minute because I knew he was a player, but I had already decided that I could be one too. When my phone rang that night and he was on the other line and he was sober I was shocked. He wanted to come over and see me again since I was alone. So I was so happy that I told him to come right over. Well, this happened for about 3 or 4 days and then all hell broke loose.

I got a phone call from a friend of mine K we will call her, asking me if I had seen him. I then told her what was going on with us. She was really quiet for a minute and said she was coming right over. She showed up about 10 minutes later and started to say how sorry she was that this happened. I didn't know what she was talking about and found out that he and my other friend S we will call her, had been going out for about a week and he had slept with her and then me and was comparing her and I. I am not going to lie and say it was ok, because it was not. I didn't know all this and was upset because I didn't want my other friend S upset with me. My friend K said she was not, and how was I supposed to know that he had done that anyway. After that I was pissed off at him and didn't talk to him for a while.

Then maybe a year or so later I saw him at a party and we talked and he said he was sorry for what had happened and he just wanted to let me know that he would have picked me over her any day. I was flattered but on the same token I could not trust him or believe he was telling the truth. For that split second we understood each other and all was ok, but then he went and said that and ruined it, in my mind anyway.

You know it's funny how when you are sleeping your brain can take a long ago memory and do all kinds of funky things with it. It's not the first time and I am sure it will not be the last.

Me:o)**

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